Sometimes living in my mind is exhausting. I appreciate this mind when it generates words on a page for hours or when it can recall the name of a student I taught eight years ago. I do not appreciate this mind when it worries, obsesses, and procrastinates.
Though I love being around people and learning their stories, I am rather melancholy and introverted by nature. I try to subdue this side of me because for most people in my life, I am the positive force. I’m the one who turns their glass around so that it’s half full instead of half empty. But this can be so tiring.
Sometimes I just want to lie in bed and listen to Beck’s Sea Change album or pretty much anything by Coldplay or the Lumineers and let the moroseness overtake me. It’s not clinical depression of which I speak, it’s just my general personality type, and I don’t mind it so much. I’m just a person who enjoys being alone and having personal space, though of course, I don’t want that all of the time.
When my boys ask me to find a happy song on the iPod, and the peppiest ones I can find are If I had a Hammer by Peter, Paul, and Mary and Wild World by Cat Stevens, something may be awry. Lately, I’ve downloaded several upbeat pop songs. It’s not only good for their moods but mine as well.
In my opinion, being a deep thinker makes one a better writer and conversationalist, but it also makes a complicated mind, one that’s hard to constantly stimulate and fulfill.
Nevertheless, it is my mind, and I’ve grown accustomed to it. I’ve learned how to cope when it goes to to a melancholy place. Further, it makes the days where I feel giddy and happy all the better.
It’s my own secret yin and yang. The lightness and the darkness. The balance of scales. And I embrace it because sometimes, it takes opposing forces to make the best decisions and to ensure life is lived to its fullest.